It has been said that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And its true. While I always felt like I had a love for my children, I realized during the time I was separated from them just how much I loved and needed them. While in prison, I thought daily about how good it would feel to hold them and feel their love again. However, as my release date neared, I began to fear that my hope of a happy reunion may not be realized. After all, 2 years had gone by and the sweet and humble 8 year old I left was now a grumpy preteen with hormones pushing her into a fit every 10 minutes. The oblivious 6 year old I left was nearly 8 and full of a new awareness of right and wrong. And my son was just 2 when I left, barely more than a baby. I wondered if he would even recognize me.I started to fear that while my heart was growing fonder, the opposite would be true for my kids, that absence would make their fond hearts wander.
While I wanted to be a good ex-con, single father, I honestly didn't even know where to begin. I mean really, where would I, from my charmed middle class life, ever see a role model of what a successfully reintegrated single father would look like. I just didn't have a clear picture of the goal.
While thumbing through my alma mater's alumni magazine last week I ran across an article that showed me I wasn't alone. According to a study conducted by Renata Tonks Forste, chair of BYU's Department of Sociology and her colleagues from the University of Texas at San Antonio and the Texas Workforce Commision, the stereotype of low-income single father's as uncaring punks simply isn't true. What is true is that most of these men don't have the role models for engaged and responsible fathering in place in their lives. I can relate. Although I had a great father, he was definitely the breadwinner, and not much of a nurturer. While that model may have worked for him, as a single father, I have to find a way to nurture my children as well because I'm not living with them so I need to be more careful with the time I do spend with them and simply writing a check doesn't satisfy my craving for a quality relationship with my kids.
One frustrating realization upon my release was that there are no subsidized resources available to my family to assist in this reintegration process. Now its not that the resources don't exist, its that they aren't available to my family because my ex-wife's income makes her ineligible for assistance. At over $100 per hour for family counselling or play therapy (the appropriate specialty for my youngest children) it would take an enormous raise for my ex-wife to afford consistent counselling for all three of our heart broken kids.
So I guess that leaves two questions. Why doesn't the State treat all children who are victims of their parents' incarcerations equally, providing them all access to the same resources to help them deal with the confusion and frustration of being separated from a parent and the embarrassment that comes with the stigma of having a parent in jail? And second, what can you do to help your family deal with these difficult challenges if you do not meet the requirements for State assistance?
I have asked the powers that be the first question and have not received a satisfactory answer at this point. But for the second question, the answer for my family has been to get creative with the resources you do have.
- Be open with your kids teachers and counsellors, ask them to go the extra mile with you children during this difficult time for them. We have found our children's teachers to be happy to have the opportunity to really connect and make a difference with one of their students.
- Talk to your church leaders to determine how they can act as a supportive extended family for your children.
- Get your finances in order. Make every attempt you can to clean up any financial messes you may have so as many resources as possible are available to your kids while you are away.
- Take advantage of all the opportunities inside the BOP system to make yourself a better man and therefore a better father.
- Engage with a counsellor when you get out. It is expensive, its true. But its worth starting your new life with your family on the right foot. Using a family counsellor who can see all of you together or any combination of family members is especially helpful.
- Commit to finding support systems and using them. No one can make this kind of transition alone.
While I'm still struggling to make this transition completely, I believe I now know what the goal is. I have a team and a plan to help me reach that goal. My hope is through this blog and the other services offered at Prison Coach I can help inform individuals and families about what to expect going in and coming out of prison.
Jared Dullum